Expectations: Unmet

Today Ammon and I attended our "Centering Group." It is a group that gets together with the doctor to prep up for having the baby. We went on a tour of the birthing facilities at the hospital. I'm particularly excited about the luxurious whirl pools that are featured in all the rooms. We also watched a birthing video. Gross. But it did make me cry because I want to hold my baby so bad. Being pregnant just isn't cutting it anymore. We are the furthest behind in our group, so our wait is going to be longer...rats...

I feel like being random so bear with me. Is that the right way to spell bear in this situation? I can' think of a better way. Our life has been interesting this summer. We started off the summer excited about the new adventures we were embarking on. We were going to sell our home. We had already moved to Montana (but only for 3 months at the most). We were going to buy a new home if ours sold. We were/are pregnant. We wanted to go hiking every weekend. We wanted to fish occasionally and spend all of our free time outside. Summer had different plans.

Our house did sell, but our 3 months has stretched and continues to stretch. The goal now is to be back in Utah the first week in October (4 weeks before this baby is supposed to come). The free time we had dreamed of has not really existed much for Ammon. When he isn't working we were traveling. We have had a trip every other weekend this summer. All of these trips involved family reunions, doctors appointments, moving, or a little of all 3. We have yet to have our fun, romantic getaway before the baby comes (we were hoping this weekend, but it's getting pushed off and we will see what happens). No hiking or fishing. I'm too tired and Ammon's too stressed out and exhausted at the end of his days. The job isn't running as smoothly as we would have liked. Another summer plan gone wrong.

Well, this weekend we are going to see if we can't settle on a place to live when the magical day of our return to Utah appears. We are going on yet another trip, but this time to look at houses, strictly. I'll keep you posted on the comings and goings of that affair.

At the beginning of my pregnancy I had dreamed that I would feel great. I would work out every day and eat only healthy things. I had dreams of a big baby shower surrounded by friends and family. I knew that my mom would be there before, during, and after the baby came. I knew that we would have food brought in from the great sisters in the ward. I knew that Ammon would have time off to enjoy our new little family. I knew that everything was going to be established and perfect. Then none of those things were going to happen all of a sudden, other than Ammon having time off (which is the most important to be honest). I felt let down.

This summer was supposed to be my last summer before becoming a mother. I was supposed to enjoy this summer and love all the good things that lead up to becoming a new mother. Instead reality has taken away those expectations little by little. I have been feeling depressed about my situation. I have been more lonely these last few months than I have ever been in my life. I have been tired and cranky. I've had kidney pains and infections. I've had to give up the idea of having a nursery all painted and ready for the baby when he shows up. It has been disappointing, depressing, and sad.

Then today I realized that all was going to be just fine. Ammon thinks that unless there is a catastrophe we will be able to move back to Utah the first week in October. Not as soon as I would have liked to have gone back, but not bad. We saw the birthing facility here. If we do end up staying, we are going to be well taken care of at the hospital. Then we will move and see how things go. My mom is coming. She can help me get moved in, she can help me prep for baby, she will be with me when the baby comes, and she can stay a little after the baby to make sure I'm doing okay. So, I'm okay. I won't get the picture perfect summer before. I won't get the perfect set up for the baby, but we are going to be okay. And it is now that I realize that all I want is to hold my little boy in my arms and to kiss his hands and feet. I want to meet him. I want to watch Ammon hold his son for the first time. I want to see how much in love my parents are with their first grandbaby. And I want to love my baby and know that we finally did it. He is finally here. Those other things don't matter. All that is important is the little man that keeps me up all night all ready because he loves to do summersaults and kick my ribs. 

Not an ideal summer, but I think we are going to have a beautiful ending.